A letter to Huddah Monroe's breasts

How is life after being introduced to the world? You are pretty famous now. How does it feel to be all over the internet? I know you didn’t really have a choice in the matter. I know you were not consulted but still this has to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

How does it feel to be free after being trapped within the confines of push-up bras for years? I can tell that your owner now looks at herself in the mirror and appreciates what she sees. Because of you, her hotness quotient has been upped exponentially. By the way, how did you become so big overnight? Were you put on a diet of nduma and ingoho? Did Pastor Ng’ang’a pray for you? Give us some little moshene at least. I know Huddah will never say a thing.


She had resigned herself to a flat-chested life, but you went through a growth spurt that gave her a renewed sense of confidence. Nowadays when critics like me diss her, she doesn’t even care. She knows we wouldn’t hesitate paying top dollar to touch you if we had the money.

I also know that you’ve been through hell in Paris, West Africa and Dubai , but still, you are healthy and thriving. How many fingerprints can be collected from your skin? Many right? That’s not a big deal. I know a chic in our estate too whose boobies have more fingerprints than the FBI criminal database.

Let me just tell you that you are very brave by the way. I salute you for putting up with years of being squished around, poked at, and prodded by cold sponsor hands. You deserve an award. You are tough

Dearest breasts of Huddah the boss chick, you have provided nourishment and comfort to our eyes for a few days now. You have induced thirst to levels that had never been seen before. We are so so thankful for your around-the-clock diligence.

I will not always like your owner but I believe that me and you might get to talk someday – sign language tingz.

Once again, congratulations breasts. You are now icons of gravitas and beacons of commanding grace. It will be hard to step back from your frenzy. You are so hot that you’ll make Vera Sidika’s boobs slip entirely into turgid irrelevance. But know that it will end one day when your owner is forty something years old. Before then, enjoy your fame.

Yours,

Philip Etemesi

Hater of Huddah but lover of Huddah’s boobs